Beyond the Wedding Songs: The Silent Suffering of Kashmiri Husbands Trapped Between Tradition & Emotional Neglect

The Echo After the Shehnai

Imagine the vibrant tapestry of a Kashmiri wedding. The air thrums with the melancholic beauty of rouf dances, the intricate embroidery of pherans glimmers under festive lights, the aroma of wazwan feasts intoxicates, and poetic wanwun songs celebrate union. It’s a spectacle of joy, a societal affirmation, a glittering pinnacle. For the groom, it’s a moment bathed in golden light – celebrated, desired, the center of a universe converging to bless his new beginning. Hope, anticipation, and the thrill of companionship fill his heart.

Then, the last guest departs. The wanwun fades into silence. The glittering chandi (silver) of those four days dims, often replaced by a profound, enduring andheri raat (dark night) that few outside the experience truly comprehend. This isn’t a critique of the institution of marriage, nor an attack on cherished Kashmiri culture. It is, however, a stark, necessary mirror held up to a deeply ingrained social pattern that exacts a heavy, often unspoken, toll on Kashmiri men: the systemic emotional isolation and neglect woven into the fabric of post-marriage life.

The poignant proverb, “Chaar din ki chandi, phir andheri raat,” encapsulates this brutal transition with devastating accuracy. It speaks of fleeting joy followed by prolonged hardship, a reality countless Kashmiri husbands navigate in stoic silence. This article delves beyond the celebratory facade, exploring the complex web of cultural customs, familial expectations, and emotional dynamics that conspire to leave many men feeling like exiled providers in their own marriages. We explore the mental load, the crushing hierarchy, the cyclical separations, and the suffocating expectation of masculine silence. It’s time to break that silence and acknowledge the full human cost of traditions that have, for too long, ignored the emotional well-being of half the marital equation.

The Honeymoon Mirage – When the Glitter Still Shines

The initial months following a Kashmiri wedding often resemble a carefully scripted dream. It’s the “chandi” phase – a period shimmering with newness, affection, and the intoxicating discovery of shared life. For the groom, this is a time of profound validation and connection.

• Shared Intimacy & Discovery: Walls come down. Late-night conversations flow effortlessly over kehwa, secrets are exchanged, dreams are shared. There’s a palpable sense of building something unique together. Simple acts – sharing a meal cooked jointly, exploring the city as a couple, navigating minor household challenges – become adventures in partnership. Emotional and physical intimacy blossoms, fostering a deep sense of being seen, understood, and valued not just as a provider, but as a person and a partner. He feels like an active participant in his own life story.

• Social Integration & Celebration: This phase involves joyous introductions and integration. The groom proudly introduces his wife to his friends and extended family. They attend weddings, festivals, and gatherings as a united front, basking in the social recognition of their new status. Family visits are reciprocal and lighthearted, strengthening bonds on both sides. There’s a sense of balance, of two families merging, and the couple forming the vibrant core of this new entity.

• Mutual Care & Investment: Care is bidirectional. The wife might surprise him with his favorite dish; he might handle chores to give her rest. They navigate the practicalities of setting up a home, making joint decisions about finances, decor, and routines. This mutual investment fosters security and the belief that they are building a resilient team, capable of facing life’s challenges side-by-side. The groom feels emotionally anchored and hopeful about the future they are co-creating.

This period, however potent, is tragically ephemeral. Like the delicate saffron bloom, it is beautiful but fleeting. The societal machinery, driven by deeply rooted customs, soon begins its subtle, then pronounced, shift. The music softens, the spotlight moves, and the groom often finds the script of his marriage being rewritten without his consultation.

The Maternal Shift – When “Tradition” Becomes Emotional Exile

خدا کرے کہ تجھ کو وہ سوزِ دل نصیب ہو
جو میری غم کی گھڑیوں میں مجھے رہا نصیب

Khuda kare ke tujhko woh sooz-e-dil naseeb ho,  Jo meri gham ki ghadiyon mein mujhe raha naseeb

A significant turning point, often marking the end of the honeymoon phase for many, arrives with the wife’s first pregnancy. While a joyous occasion, it triggers a deeply ingrained Kashmiri custom: the wife’s return to her maika (maternal home) for extended periods, framed as essential “bed rest” and postpartum care.

• Cultural Justifications & The Weight of “Should”:

  • “She Needs Her Mother’s Care”: This is the most pervasive argument. It stems from a genuine belief that a mother’s comfort and expertise during pregnancy and childbirth are unparalleled. The maika is seen as a sanctuary of unconditional support and familiarity.

  • “It’s Our Tradition (Rivaj)”: The sheer weight of precedent is immense. “This is how it’s always been done” becomes an unassailable justification, discouraging critical examination or adaptation. Questioning it risks being labeled disrespectful or uncaring towards family and culture.

  • “The Groom’s House is Not Equipped”: This often implies more than physical space. It suggests the groom’s family lacks the emotional or practical capacity (knowledge, time, willingness) to provide the level of care expected. Sometimes, it reflects underlying tensions or a lack of deep integration between the bride and her in-laws.

  • “For the Baby’s Well-being”: The health of the mother and unborn child is paramount, and the maika is presented as the optimal environment to ensure this. This noble intention often overshadows other considerations.

• The Groom’s Crushing Reality – Beyond the Financial:

  • Emotional Detachment & Abrupt Separation: The transition is often sudden and absolute. The constant companionship, intimacy, and shared daily life vanish overnight. The groom returns to an empty, silent house that echoes with the recent memory of partnership, now replaced by profound loneliness. The physical and emotional connection central to his marriage is severed.

  • Social Isolation: His primary social anchor is gone. While friends and family remain, the dynamic shifts. He may feel like a “fifth wheel” among couples or families. Socializing often feels hollow without his partner. The vibrant social unit he briefly experienced dissolves.

  • Skyrocketing Financial Burden: The expectation to fund everything intensifies dramatically. He now finances:

    • His own household expenses.

    • His wife’s substantial living costs at her maika (often including specialized food, medical care, comforts).

    • All expenses related to the impending baby (medical bills, clothing, equipment).

    • Frequent travel costs for visits.

    • Often, contributions or gifts expected by the in-laws during this period. The pressure to earn relentlessly becomes overwhelming, stripping away any sense of financial security or personal spending.

  • Erosion of Agency & Fatherhood: This is perhaps the deepest cut. Decisions regarding the pregnancy, birth plan, the baby’s initial care, naming, and rituals are predominantly made by the wife and her parents. The groom is reduced to a visitor, informed of decisions rather than consulted. His early bonding with his child is severely restricted. He experiences fatherhood from a distance, a spectator to the most profound event in his life. His role is simplified to that of a funding source, not an equal parent. “When she leaves, it’s like the marriage pauses. But life doesn’t. Bills don’t pause. Loneliness doesn’t pause. You’re just… suspended.”

This “maternal shift” isn’t a brief interlude; it sets a precedent and establishes a pattern of physical and emotional separation that often defines the subsequent years of the marriage.

The Groom’s Isolation – Navigating the Emotional Wasteland

The extended stay at the maika is not merely a physical absence; it creates a vast chasm of emotional neglect that the groom is expected to navigate with stoic resignation. His role during this period is narrowly, and harshly, defined:

• The Provider Mandate: His primary, often sole, recognized function is to earn and remit funds. The financial tap must never run dry, regardless of his own struggles or the emotional cost.

• The Conditional Visitor: He is permitted (sometimes expected) to visit, but these visits are often fraught with unspoken rules. He is a guest in his own family life. Interaction with his wife may be limited or supervised. Bonding with his newborn is often constrained by routines, parental presence, or the wife’s exhaustion. He must be present enough to fulfill obligations, but not so present as to “interfere.”

• The Suppressor of Needs: Any expression of loneliness, frustration, emotional or physical need (including intimacy), or desire for more involvement is implicitly or explicitly discouraged. Complaints are met with deflection (“Think of her stress!”), accusations of selfishness, or appeals to tradition (“This is how it’s done”). His emotional reality is invalidated. He learns that his feelings are an inconvenient burden.

• The Silent Endurer: The cultural script demands silent endurance. “Sabar karo” (Have patience) becomes a mantra, not comfort. He is expected to internalize his pain, maintain a facade of strength, and simply wait for an undefined future when things might return to normal. This enforced silence is profoundly isolating.

The “Break Culture”: Perpetuating the Cycle of Abandonment

Isolation doesn’t end with the postpartum period. A pervasive “break culture” often takes root. It’s culturally normalized for married women to make frequent, extended trips back to their maika, sometimes lasting weeks or months, even without the context of pregnancy or young children. These are framed as necessary “emotional refreshers,” a chance to reconnect with family and recharge.

• The Groom’s Reality of “Breaks”:

  • Recurring Abandonment: Each “break” replays the initial separation trauma. Just as emotional equilibrium might be tentatively restored, the departure happens again, reinforcing instability and insecurity within the marriage.

  • The Unquestionable “Need”: The wife’s need for a break is presented as absolute and non-negotiable. The groom’s need for stability, companionship, or simply having his partner at home is rarely afforded equal weight. He is expected to “understand” without question.

  • Extension Through Pressure: Initial short trips often get extended. Pressure from the maika (“Stay a few more days, we miss you”), emotional appeals from the wife (“I’m not ready to come back yet”), or manufactured conflicts can prolong the absence. The groom has little leverage to negotiate a return without being painted as unreasonable or controlling.

  • Invalidation of His Distress: Any expression of loneliness or desire for his wife to return is weaponized against him:

    • “You don’t care about my feelings or my need to be with my family.”

    • “You’re so controlling. Can’t I spend time with my parents?”

    • “You have no empathy. I need this for my mental health.” His legitimate emotional needs are dismissed as weakness or oppression. The narrative frames his desire for his wife’s presence as inherently problematic.

The result is a devastatingly one-sided emotional economy. The bride is culturally entitled to retreat, recharge, and return – often on her own terms and timeline. The groom is culturally mandated to fund this retreat, endure the loneliness, suppress his needs, and welcome her back without reproach. “She gets her break. He gets broken. Again and again.” This dynamic entrenches the groom’s position at the periphery of his own emotional life.

The Arrival of Children – Joy Tempered by Erosion

The birth of a child is universally profound, a seismic shift in any marriage. In the Kashmiri context, however, it often marks not just the expansion of the family, but the near-total consolidation of the wife’s emotional and practical world around the child and her family of origin, further marginalizing the husband.

• The Shift in Focus: The wife’s attention, naturally and intensely, shifts to the newborn. However, within the structure established by the extended maika stay and the “break culture,” this focus often remains embedded within her parental home’s ecosystem. Her parents frequently become the de facto primary caregivers and decision-makers regarding the child’s routine, health, and upbringing, especially in the early years.

• The Groom’s Circumscribed Role: His position becomes increasingly paradoxical:

  • The Bankroller: The financial demands escalate exponentially – childcare, education, healthcare, clothing, all layered on top of existing burdens. His value is intrinsically linked to his earning capacity.

  • The Peripheral Parent: Access to his child, especially if the “break culture” persists or the wife spends significant time at her maika, remains limited. Key parenting decisions are often made by the wife and her parents. His input is solicited less, his authority as a father subtly undermined. Bonding opportunities are constrained by physical distance and established routines centered elsewhere. “You may get access to your wife, but it’s limited—and loaded with conditions. Access to your own child feels like a privilege granted by others, not a right.”

  • The Emotionally Sidelined Partner: The intense mother-child bond, coupled with the wife’s reliance on her parents, leaves little emotional bandwidth for the marital relationship. Intimacy dwindles. Meaningful conversation shifts to practicalities or the child. He ceases to be her primary confidante or source of emotional support; that role is often filled by her mother or sisters. He becomes an outsider looking in on the core emotional unit of his wife and child(ren), often mediated by her parents.

The arrival of children, instead of strengthening the marital bond as a united parental front, often cements the hierarchical structure that places the groom at the bottom, his role reduced to funding a family life he is partially excluded from experiencing fully.

The Repetition Cycle – Trapped in a Loop of Loneliness

Perhaps the most demoralizing aspect is the predictable repetition. If the couple decides to have another child, the entire isolating cycle restarts with mechanical inevitability:

1. Pregnancy Announcement: Often followed by discussions about the wife returning to her maika earlier “for safety” or “better care.”

2. Return to Maika: The physical and emotional separation repeats, often for an even longer duration as managing a toddler adds complexity.

3. Groom as Visitor: He resumes the role of the weekend or occasional visitor, navigating the dynamics of his in-laws’ home, feeling like an interloper in his own family’s life events.

4. Emotional Sidelining Intensifies: His existing feelings of neglect and exclusion are compounded. The focus is entirely on the pregnancy, the existing child, and the wife’s needs, mediated by her parents. His emotional state is irrelevant.

5. Postpartum Extension: The stay post-delivery extends, justified by the need to manage two children and “recover properly,” often with significant input from the maternal grandparents.

6. “Break Culture” Resumes: Once back home (if fully), the pattern of frequent, extended trips to the maika resumes, often justified by the children needing time with maternal grandparents or the wife needing support.

This cycle isn’t just repeated; it becomes the defining rhythm of the marriage. Years pass not in shared growth and deepening partnership, but in fragmented companionship. Moments of connection are islands in a sea of separation and emotional distance. The groom lives in a state of suspended animation, perpetually waiting for a “normal” family life that never materializes. “You blink, and five years have passed. You’ve funded two births, countless ‘breaks,’ and a mountain of expenses. But ask yourself: How many meals did you share as just a couple? How many nights did you talk about your dreams, not just the kids or bills? How often did you feel like a husband, not just a provider and visitor?” This normalized cycle is a factory for deep-seated resentment, loneliness, and a profound sense of wasted time.

The Kashmiri Family Hierarchy – The Groom’s Invisible Burden & Bottom Rung

The emotional isolation is not accidental; it’s structurally reinforced by the traditional Kashmiri family hierarchy. Within this structure, the groom occupies a uniquely burdensome and paradoxically powerless position:

• The Financial Backbone: He shoulders the overwhelming responsibility of providing for:

  • His immediate family (wife, children).

  • Often significant financial support for his own parents and siblings.

  • The substantial costs associated with his wife’s extended stays and the lifestyle at her maika.

  • Societal expectations (contributions to events, helping relatives).
    This constant pressure is immense and rarely alleviated.

• The Least Prioritized Emotionally: Despite being the primary (often sole) earner, his emotional needs are consistently deprioritized. The family’s emotional energy flows towards:

  • The Children: Naturally the center of attention and care.

  • The Wife: Her well-being, especially during pregnancy/postpartum and “breaks,” is paramount.

  • The Wife’s Parents: They hold significant influence, especially concerning the grandchildren and their daughter’s comfort. Their needs and opinions carry substantial weight.

  • The Wife’s Siblings & Extended Family: Often deeply involved in the wife’s life and childcare.

  • The Groom’s Own Parents: While he may support them financially, emotional detachment often occurs post-marriage (“He has his own life now”).

• The Groom’s Place in the Emotional Hierarchy:

  1. Children: Undisputed top priority.

  2. Wife’s Parents: Key influencers and caregivers.

  3. Wife: Focused on children and supported by parents/siblings.

  4. Wife’s Siblings & Extended Family: Integrated support network.

  5. The Groom: Provider. Expected to be emotionally self-sufficient. Needs come last, if acknowledged at all.

• The Expectation Triad: His role is defined by three unwavering expectations:

  • Earn: Relentlessly and sufficiently.

  • Endure: Silently bear the emotional neglect, separation, financial pressure, and lack of agency.

  • Remain Silent: Never complain, never express vulnerability, never demand emotional reciprocity or presence. Masculinity is conflated with stoic suffering.

This hierarchy creates a cruel paradox: “Mentally you are the family leader (burdened with all responsibility), but in reality you are just a donkey (valued only for your labor and silent endurance).” He is indispensable financially but disposable emotionally.

The Crushing Silence – Mental Health & The Straitjacket of Masculinity

The cumulative weight of financial burden, emotional neglect, cyclical abandonment, eroded agency, and bottom-rung status in the family hierarchy takes a devastating toll on mental health. Yet, the cultural response is often a suffocating mandate of silence.

• The Psychological Fallout:

  • Chronic Depression: Persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness, and emptiness stemming from profound loneliness and lack of emotional fulfillment.

  • Anxiety Disorders: Constant worry about finances, performance, the stability of the marriage, the children’s well-being (from a distance), and the fear of expressing needs.

  • Marital Resentment: Deep-seated anger and bitterness festering from unmet needs, perceived injustice, and the constant cycle of separation and emotional unavailability. This often simmers beneath the surface, poisoning any potential for genuine connection.

  • Substance Abuse: Alcohol or other substances become a maladaptive coping mechanism to numb the pain, alleviate anxiety, or fill the void of loneliness. This is a significant, often hidden, crisis.

  • Emotional Numbness: A defense mechanism where the man shuts down emotionally to survive the constant hurt and neglect, further damaging the marriage and his own well-being.

  • Suicidal Ideation: In extreme, unaddressed cases, the despair can become overwhelming.

• The Straitjacket of Masculinity: Expressing these struggles is culturally taboo. Toxic expectations are deeply ingrained:

  • “A man must not complain.” Vulnerability is seen as weakness, incompatible with being a provider and protector.

  • “He must carry the load (bojh).” Suffering in silence is framed as strength and duty. Asking for help or expressing emotional pain is failing as a man.

  • “His role is to provide, not seek comfort.” Male emotional needs are culturally invisible or invalid. The concept of men needing emotional support, intimacy, or simply companionship within marriage is often absent from the traditional narrative.

  • Stigma: Seeking professional mental health help is heavily stigmatized, seen as admitting catastrophic failure or “madness.”

This enforced silence is not strength; it’s spiritual and psychological violence. It prevents healing, isolates men further, traps them in their suffering, and ultimately damages not just the individual, but the fabric of the marriage and family he is killing himself to sustain. “The silence isn’t golden; it’s corrosive. It eats you from the inside while everyone expects you to keep smiling and paying the bills.”

Stuck Between Two Worlds – The Emotional Tug-of-War

Adding another layer of complexity is the groom’s often fractured relationship with his own family of origin post-marriage. He finds himself trapped in an emotional no-man’s-land.

• The Mother’s Withdrawal: A common, painful dynamic occurs where the groom’s mother, consciously or unconsciously, emotionally detaches after his marriage. Her declaration, explicit or implied, is: “He’s her responsibility now.”

  • She may withdraw daily involvement, assuming her nurturing role is complete.

  • She might physically distance herself (moving to another child’s home or maintaining separate living).

  • Emotional support dwindles; she may be less available for confidences or comfort, reinforcing the idea that his emotional world should now revolve solely around his wife.

• The Wife’s Absorption: As explored, the wife is often deeply embedded in her own family network (parents, siblings) and focused on the children. Her emotional investment in the marital relationship – in him as a partner, confidante, and source of mutual support – frequently diminishes to minimal levels. She expects unwavering support (financial, practical, sometimes emotional) but rarely reciprocates it in ways that meet his core needs for connection and intimacy.

• The Groom’s Precarious Position:

  • No Longer the Son: He feels the loss of his primary maternal bond, no longer receiving the unconditional support (however imperfect) he once did. He is no longer the central figure in his mother’s world.

  • Not the Partner: He hasn’t become the equal, intimately connected partner he envisioned during the honeymoon phase. The reciprocal emotional investment and companionship are absent.

  • The Isolated Nexus: He becomes the nexus point of expectations (financial provision, stoicism) from both sides, while receiving insufficient emotional sustenance from either. He is obligated to both families but prioritized by neither. He is emotionally unsupported, socially obligated, and perpetually financially burdened.

  • The Functioning Ghost: “He keeps rolling—between expectations, obligations, and silence.” He performs his duties – earns, visits, pays, endures – but feels unseen, unheard, and emotionally hollow. He is present in the lives of his family members but profoundly absent from any sense of being truly valued or nurtured himself. He haunts his own life.

This constant tug-of-war leaves the groom mentally exhausted and spiritually depleted. There is no safe harbor, no place where his emotional reality is acknowledged and met with care. He is perpetually performing a role, not living a connected life.

Conclusion & Pathways Forward: From Donkey to Dignity – Reclaiming Partnership

The picture painted is undeniably bleak, but it’s not an inevitable fate. Recognizing the problem is the first, crucial step towards change. The traditions surrounding Kashmiri marriage, particularly the extended maika stays, the pervasive “break culture,” and the rigid family hierarchy, need critical re-evaluation in the light of modern understandings of mental health and equitable partnership. This isn’t about discarding culture, but about evolving it to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships for all members.

Why Change is Imperative:

1. Human Cost: The current model inflicts severe, often hidden, psychological damage on men, leading to depression, anxiety, resentment, and broken families.

2. Marital Erosion: It fundamentally undermines the marital bond, preventing the development of true intimacy, teamwork, and shared life experiences essential for a resilient partnership.

3. Impact on Children: Children absorb family dynamics. Witnessing an emotionally neglected, isolated father or a perpetually stressed, absent provider is not a healthy model for their own future relationships. They also lose out on a fully engaged paternal bond.

4. Societal Stagnation: Cultures that stifle the emotional well-being of half their population cannot truly thrive. Addressing this is part of building a healthier, more compassionate society.

Pathways Towards Dignity & Partnership:

1. Open Communication (Premarital & Marital):

   • Premarital: Couples must discuss expectations around post-marriage living, involvement with in-laws, financial management, pregnancy/postpartum plans, childcare roles, and the frequency/duration of visits to parental homes before marriage. These aren’t romantic topics, but essential foundations. Families should facilitate these discussions.

   • Marital: Create safe spaces for honest dialogue without blame. Husbands need to express their needs for connection, presence, and emotional support without fear of invalidation. Wives need to listen and understand the impact of prolonged absences and emotional distance. “I feel…” statements are crucial.

2. Redefining “Care” During Pregnancy/Postpartum:

   • Explore Alternatives: Can maternal support be brought to the couple’s home for significant periods? Can shorter, more balanced stays be negotiated? Can the groom’s family be actively equipped and involved in providing care?

   • Prioritize the Triad: Recognize that the mother-baby and father bond is crucial. Actively create opportunities for the father’s involvement in prenatal care, birth (where desired and possible), and early childcare in his own home. His emotional needs during this transition matter.

3. Challenging the “Break Culture”:

   • Negotiation, Not Dictation: Visits to the maika should be mutually agreed upon, considering the needs of both partners and the family unit. Duration and frequency need reasonable limits and flexibility based on circumstances, not automatic entitlement.

   • Reciprocity: Encourage the wife to spend quality time nurturing the marital relationship and building connections within her marital home and community. Balance time between families.

   • Address Underlying Issues: Often, excessive “breaks” signal deeper unhappiness in the marital home (e.g., tensions with in-laws, lack of connection with husband, feeling unsupported). Address the root causes, not just the symptom.

4. Dismantling the Hierarchy – Building Team “Us”:

   • Shared Decision-Making: Actively involve the husband/father in decisions about children, finances, home life, and major family events. His voice carries equal weight.

   • Prioritizing the Marital Bond: Consciously carve out regular couple time – dates, conversations, shared hobbies – even after children. Protect this time. The couple is the core of the family.

   • Redefining Roles: Move beyond rigid “provider/nurturer” divides. Encourage shared parenting, shared household responsibilities (adjusted fairly based on circumstances), and mutual emotional support. A husband can nurture; a wife can contribute financially or in leadership.

5. Breaking the Silence on Men’s Mental Health:

   • Cultural Shift: Challenge the notion that stoicism equals strength. Promote the idea that seeking help (from friends, family, professionals) is a sign of responsibility and courage.

   • Accessible Support: Destigmatize therapy and counseling. Promote resources specifically addressing men’s mental health in culturally sensitive ways.

   • Safe Spaces: Create environments (friend groups, community groups, online forums) where men feel safe to share their struggles without judgment.

6. Family Education: Older generations hold significant influence. Educate them about the psychological impact of these patterns and the benefits of more balanced, inclusive approaches for the long-term health and happiness of their children and grandchildren.

The Core Principle: Marriage is not just about rituals—it’s about rights, respect, and rahmah (mercy). It’s about two individuals choosing to walk life’s path together, sharing burdens and joys, respecting each other’s humanity, and nurturing each other’s well-being. Kashmiri men deserve more than the crushing burden of expectation and the silent agony of neglect. They deserve dignity, partnership, emotional presence, and a rightful place at the heart of their families – not just as providers, but as valued husbands and fathers.

The andheri raat doesn’t have to be permanent. By acknowledging the darkness, fostering open dialogue, challenging harmful norms, and prioritizing compassion alongside tradition, we can work towards marriages that shine with mutual respect and enduring partnership, far beyond the initial chandi of the wedding days. It’s time to move from donkeyhood to dignity. The journey starts with breaking the silence.