Beyond the Wazwan: Reclaiming the Soul of Kashmiri Marriage for Our Next Generation

From Sohni Diyar to a Sacred Covenant: Are We Preparing Our Children for the Journey?

The air in Kashmir is changing. The crisp mountain breeze that once carried the scent of almonds and the sound of ancient wanwun (wedding songs) now also carries the whispers of a profound transformation. In our homes, a silent anxiety brews alongside the noon chai. We pour our hearts, our life savings, and our dreams into preparing for our children’s weddings. The guest lists are curated, the menus for the Wazwan are debated for weeks, the pheran is embroidered with gold thread, and the house is filled with the aroma of Kahwa and anticipation.

But in the quiet hours of the night, a question lingers in the hearts of parents, a fear unspoken: “Have we prepared the feast, but forgotten to teach them how to nourish the marriage?”

We are experts at building the stage for the grand performance of a Kashmiri wedding. But what happens when the last guest departs, the dejhor (traditional earrings) is put away, and the couple is left alone to face the reality of a shared life? The beautiful, complex tapestry of Kashmiri marriage is facing a modern tension—a pull between deep-rooted tradition and the undeniable forces of change.

This article is not a critique of our culture; it is a love letter to it. It is a call to action, a plea to return to the core of what makes a marriage not just a social ceremony, but a sacred, resilient covenant—a Meesaq-e-Ghalith (solemn covenant) as ordained in the Quran. We will journey together through the real values we must instill in our sons and daughters, explore the profound Islamic blueprint for marriage, navigate the silent struggle of the groom caught between two homes, and learn the art of in-law support without interference. This is a conversation for every Kashmiri parent, every hopeful young soul, and every elder who wishes to see our traditions not just survive, but thrive with meaning and mercy.

Before the Wedding Feast, Lay the Foundation – Teaching the Real Value of Marriage

Long before the first Vidhu (matchmaker) knocks on the door, long before we open wedding catalogues, our most sacred duty begins at home. The preparation for marriage is not a six-month crash course; it is an eighteen-year curriculum of character building.

Marriage is a Covenant, Not a Ceremony: Understanding the Meesaq-e-Ghalith

In Islam, and by extension, in our Kashmiri Muslim ethos, marriage is not a contract of convenience. The Quran refers to it in Surah An-Nisa (4:21) as a Meesaq-e-Ghalith—a solemn covenant. A covenant is sacred, binding, and built on unwavering trust and mutual responsibility. It is a promise made not just to each other, but to Allah.

Our children must understand that the seven rounds around the Isband (fire pot) during the Lagan ceremony are not just rituals. Each pher (round) is a symbolic vow:

• A vow of provision and protection.

• A vow of fidelity and faithfulness.

• A vow of mutual respect and friendship.

• A vow of spiritual companionship.

When we reduce marriage to the grandeur of the Wazwan, the beauty of the Pheran, and the weight of the gold, we risk building a palace on sand. The foundation must be the rock-solid understanding of this covenant.

Raising Sons: Teaching Hurmat, Not Just Providing Gheerat

In Kashmiri culture, we often teach our sons gheerat—a sense of honor and protectiveness over his family. This is a noble trait. But without its correct Islamic counterpart, hurmat (respect, sanctity), gheerat can扭曲 into control and possession.

How to Teach Our Sons True Respect (Hurmat):

1. Model It: A boy’s first lesson in how to treat a woman comes from watching his father. How does Abbu speak to Ammi? Does he dismiss her opinions? Does he help in the house? Does he speak of her with respect when she is not in the room? Children are silent auditors of our marriages.

2. Respect is in the Language: Teach him the power of words. The casual “Chup kar!” (Shut up!) or the demeaning way we sometimes speak to domestic help teaches him that power justifies disrespect. Encourage language of respect: “Meherbani” (Please), “Shukriya” (Thank you), “Maeni khana bahut swad aous” (The food was very tasty, thank you).

3. Respect is in Action: Teach him that respect is not a public performance. It is in the private moments:

   • It is knocking before entering his sister’s room.

   • It is not interrupting when women are speaking.

   • It is sharing the load at home—carrying groceries, making his own bed, helping with dishes. A man who sees housework as beneath him will never see his wife as an equal.

4. Respect is Emotional Intelligence: Kashmiri men are often taught to be stoic. We must teach our sons that a real man is not afraid of emotions. He should be able to say, “I am hurt,” or “I am sorry,” or “I need help.” Teaching him to identify and healthily express his emotions is the greatest gift you can give his future wife.

Raising Daughters: Teaching Izzat with Istiglal (Dignity with Independence)

For our daughters, the word “izzat” (honor, respect) is often used, but its meaning is often narrowed to her modesty and behavior. True izzat is far more encompassing. It is about her inherent dignity as a human being and a servant of Allah.

How to Teach Our Daughters Balanced Respect:

1. Self-Worth is Her Anchor: Her value does not come from her complexion, her weight, or her ability to cook Gushtaba. Her worth is inherent, given by Allah. Praise her for her intelligence, her kindness, her resilience, her opinions. Encourage her to have a voice and to use it respectfully at home, so she is not silenced later in life.

2. Respect is Not Submission: Teach her that respecting her husband does not mean erasing herself. It is about partnership. The Quran says spouses are garments for each other (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187). A garment protects, covers, comforts, and adorns. It is a relationship of mutual enhancement, not self-erasure.

3. Practical Life Skills: Alongside her education, teach her the practicalities of running a home—not as a future servant, but as a future CEO of her household. Teach her financial literacy. Let her understand bills, investments, and budgeting. A woman who can navigate the world is a partner, not a dependent.

4. Critical Thinking Over Blind Obedience: Teach her the difference between Nushooz (rebellion against the marital bond) and valid disagreement. Islam gives her rights to opinion, to kind treatment, to financial autonomy. She must know these rights to claim them with grace and wisdom.

Marriage is Responsibility, Not an Escape Hatch

Many young Kashmiris see marriage as an escape from parental control, from loneliness, or from societal pressure. This is a dangerous foundation.

• To our sons: Marriage will not solve your problems. It will amplify them if you are not ready. You are not marrying a maid, a cook, or a trophy. You are choosing a partner for your journey towards Jannah.

• To our daughters: Marriage is not a destination where you will be “completed” by a man. You are a whole person entering a partnership. Do not seek a husband to rescue you; seek a partner to build with you.

Final Thought Before the Ceremony: Before we measure them for their wedding outfits, let’s measure their hearts for empathy, their minds for wisdom, and their souls for patience. Let’s raise sons who are protectors, not possessors, and daughters who are partners, not parasites. A marriage built on this mutual respect is the most beautiful wanwun ever sung.

The Islamic Blueprint – Mercy, Love, and Tranquility in Marriage

Beyond culture and tradition lies the divine guidance that frames our lives. To understand the true value of marriage, we must first understand what Allah and His Messenger ﷺ have prescribed for us.

The Purpose of Marriage: More Than Procreation

Islam elevates marriage from a mere social contract to an act of worship (Ibadah). It is a means of attaining spiritual and emotional completeness.

• For Tranquility (Sakan): “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)…” (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21). The primary goal is Sakan—a profound peace, a feeling of coming home. This is the antidote to the chaos of the modern world.

• A Fortress for Chastity: The Prophet ﷺ said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, for it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty…” (Sahih al-Bukhari). Marriage is the halal foundation for intimacy, protecting the sanctity of individuals and society.

• Completing Half Your Deen: The famous hadith: “Whoever Allah provides with a righteous wife, He has helped him complete half of his religion. So let him fear Allah regarding the other half.” (Al-Mu’jam al-Awsat). This shows that a successful marriage is a vehicle for spiritual success.

The Prophetic Example: The Best of You Are The Best To Your Families

The life of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ is our ultimate manual. He was not a distant, stern patriarch at home. He was:

• A Helping Partner: He would mend his own clothes, milk the goat, and help with household chores. He never considered any work beneath him.

• Playful and Affectionate: He raced with his wife Aisha (RA) and they would enjoy each other’s company. He showed immense physical and verbal affection.

• A Listener and Consultant: He valued the opinions of his wives and took their counsel seriously, most famously in the incident of the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, where he acted on the advice of Umm Salamah (RA).

• Infinitely Patient and Just: He dealt with disagreements with wisdom and never humiliated or belittled his wives.

The bar is set: “The most perfect believer in faith is the one who is best in character, and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi). This is the standard we must hold up for our sons.

Post-Marriage: The Practical Application of the Blueprint

The Islamic framework provides clear guidance for navigating married life.

• Mutual Rights and Responsibilities: The Quranic verse “…And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them…” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:228) is often misused. The “degree” is not of superiority but of Qawwamah (responsibility for maintenance and protection). It is a responsibility to be borne with kindness, not a license to dominate.

• Dispute Resolution: Islam offers a clear, wise method for resolving marital disputes (outlined in Surah An-Nisa 4:35), involving dialogue and mediation from families. This prevents the toxic escalation of arguments.

• Privacy as a Trust (Amanah): The Prophet ﷺ sternly warned against sharing private marital details: “Among the most evil of people before Allah on the Day of Resurrection is a man who approaches his wife sexually and she responds, and then he spreads her secret.” (Sahih Muslim). This sanctity of privacy is desperately needed in our culture where gossip can poison relationships.

Islam provides the perfect balance—a framework of rights and responsibilities that, when followed, creates a marriage filled with Rahma (mercy) and Mawaddah (love).

The Groom’s Dilemma – Navigating the Chasm Between Mother and Wife

This is one of the most silent and painful struggles in modern Kashmiri marriages. The groom, the mehboob (beloved) of the wedding, often becomes the most isolated figure afterward.

The Cultural Roots of the Tug-of-War

In the traditional Kashmiri joint family system, the son is often the center of his mother’s universe. She has invested her entire life in him. He is her sahra (support), her emotional confidant, and her ticket to social standing. The arrival of a daughter-in-law (buth) is, subconsciously, perceived as a threat to this deep bond. The mother fears being replaced, becoming obsolete.

The wife, on the other hand, enters a new home, often leaving her own family behind. She is vulnerable, seeking security, love, and a new identity. Her husband is her primary, and often only, emotional anchor in this new world. She naturally expects his loyalty, presence, and prioritization.

The groom is caught in this emotional crossfire. He loves his mother and feels a deep sense of duty (farz) and gratitude towards her. He also loves his wife and wants to be a good husband and build a successful marriage. He becomes the bridge, and everyone walks all over him.

The Anatomy of Isolation: “How Are You, Beta?” vs. “How Are You, Really?”

This tension manifests in a thousand silent cuts that lead to the groom’s isolation:

• The Loyalty Test: If he spends an evening with his wife, his mother might sigh, “You have no time for me anymore.” If he spends time with his mother, his wife might feel neglected and ask, “Am I not your family too?”

• The Messenger Boy: He is often turned into a carrier of complaints and passive-aggressive messages. “Tell your wife the food was too salty,” or “Tell your mother I don’t like it when she enters our room without knocking.” He is forced to be a diplomat in a cold war he didn’t start.

• The Financial Pull: He may feel pressured to financially support his parents extensively, which can cause strain if not discussed openly with his wife, who is now a financial partner in his life.

• The Silencing of His Stress: In our culture, men are not encouraged to express vulnerability. So, he bottles up the stress, the feeling of being torn apart. He may withdraw, spend more time at work or with friends, or become irritable, further damaging the marital bond. No one asks him, “Toh chi khecharaan?” (So, what are you going through?).

Charting a Path Through the Chasm: The Groom’s Playbook for Balance

The groom is not a passive victim. He must actively, wisely, and courageously build a new equilibrium.

1. Lead with Communication, Not Confrontation: Have a calm, respectful conversation with your mother before marriage. Gently explain that your love for her is eternal and unwavering, but your role is expanding. Assure her of her place in your life. With your wife, establish open communication from day one. Create a safe space where she can express her feelings without fear of you taking your family’s side immediately.

2. Set Boundaries with Love: Boundaries are not walls; they are gates that define where a garden begins. They protect relationships. Explain to your mother kindly that certain decisions—like finances, vacations, or personal matters—are now joint decisions you will make with your wife. This is not rejection; it is the natural progression of life.

3. Prioritize Your Wife, Wisely: Islamicly and logically, your primary responsibility now shifts to your own household. The Prophet ﷺ said, “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife…” This does not mean abandoning your parents. It means your wife’s emotional and physical well-being is your direct responsibility. A happy, secure wife will be more likely to encourage a loving relationship with your parents.

4. Never, Ever Play the Messenger: This is a golden rule. If your mother has feedback for your wife, encourage her to speak to her directly with kindness (or you be present as a mediator). Likewise, your wife should not send messages through you. Facilitate direct, respectful communication.

5. Build a United Front: Present decisions to both families as “our decision.” Use “we” statements. “We have decided…,” “We feel that…” This shows you are a team and prevents families from driving a wedge between you.

The goal is not to choose between your mother and your wife. The goal is to mature the relationship with your mother from one of a dependent child to a respectful, caring adult son, while simultaneously building a new, primary partnership with your wife. It is the hardest, most necessary journey a Kashmiri man must undertake.

The Art of In-Lawship: Minimum Interference, Maximum Support

The relationship with in-laws can be the making or breaking of a marriage. In Kashmiri culture, where families are deeply interconnected, mastering this art is crucial.

The Thin Line Between Care and Control: Chai vs. Chasus (Tea vs. Surveillance)

Kashmiri hospitality is legendary. A guest is considered a blessing from God. But when a daughter-in-law or son-in-law is perpetually treated as a guest, it creates distance. And when care morphs into surveillance, it becomes toxic.

• Care is: Asking, “Toh cha kheane? Kahwa yea nun chai?” (What will you have? Kahwa or salted tea?)

• Control is: Commenting, “Yiman choppun chai pive? Yim zaat ti garam?” (Why does she drink so much tea? It will heat her body [and affect fertility]).

• Care is: Offering advice when asked.

• Control is: Being offended if the advice is not followed to the letter.

• Care is: Being a safety net.

• Control is: Becoming the puppet master.

A Message to the Parents of the Groom: Loving Your Buth (Daughter-in-Law)

1. She is Not a Replacement; She is an Addition: Your son has not replaced you; he has added a new person to love. Shift your mindset from losing a son to gaining a daughter.

2. Her Ways Are Not Wrong, Just Different: She might make haak differently. She might keep the house organized differently. Different is not wrong. Resist the urge to micromanage her home. It is her home now too.

3. Be Her Advocate, Not Her Critic: If there is an argument between the couple, be a voice of wisdom and reconciliation. Never take your son’s side blindly. Defend her in her absence. The fastest way to make her love you is to make her feel safe with you.

4. Respect Privacy: The closed door of their room is a powerful symbol. Knock and wait for an answer. Their private conversations, their arguments, their time alone are sacred. Do not become a source of gossip about them to other relatives.

A Message to the Parents of the Bride: Honoring Your Aamith (Son-in-Law)

1. He is Not a Villain; He is Your Daughter’s Choice: Trust your daughter’s judgment. Welcome him wholeheartedly into your family. Do not hold him to impossible standards or constantly compare him to others.

2. Don’t Create a Refugee Camp: Your home should be a place of comfort for your daughter, but it should not be a headquarters for plotting against her husband. Listen to her troubles, but encourage reconciliation and patience. Do not fuel the fire of disagreement.

3. He is Not an ATM: While it is beautiful to have a generous son-in-law, never make financial demands or make him feel that his value is only in his wallet.

4. Treat Him Like a Son: Include him in family jokes, seek his opinion on matters, and defend him just as you would your own child. The Prophet ﷺ said, “The best of sons-in-law is (the Prophet) Musa and the best of in-laws is (the Prophet) Shu’ayb.” (Targheeb wa Tarheeb). They had a relationship of mutual respect and love.

The Grand Balancing Act: The Greatest Gift is Letting Go

The ultimate act of love a parent can show their married child is to let go. This does not mean abandoning them. It means trusting the values you instilled in them. It means moving from the role of a director to that of a respected consultant—available for advice, but only when the phone rings.

Your new role is to be the pillar that stands firm in the distance, not the roof that smothers. Give them the space to build their own wanwun, to burn their own Isband, to make their own mistakes, and to find their own path to Sakan—the tranquility that is their divine right.

By doing so, you don’t lose your children; you gain a mature, respectful, and deeply loving friendship with them and the new family they are building. And that is a success more fulfilling than any perfectly executed wedding.