Mother vs Wife: Why Men Get Caught in Family Conflict
By: Javid Amin | 18 October 2026
She Was Once the New Bride Too: Inside the Woman-vs-Woman Family Conflicts That Leave Men Torn in the Middle
In Indian homes, a woman is called “Janani,” the one who gives life and holds a family together. So why do so many homes turn into quiet battlegrounds between the very women who are meant to hold them up, with a son, husband or brother caught between them?
It is a Sunday afternoon. In the kitchen, a mother-in-law is clearing the plates with a little more noise than usual. In the bedroom, a daughter-in-law is staring at her phone, hurt by a remark made at lunch. In the living room, a man is pretending to watch television. He heard everything. He will say nothing, because whatever he says will be wrong to someone.
No headline will ever record this scene. Yet it is repeated, in some form, in countless Indian households every day.
“She Forgot She Was a Woman Too”
The oldest complaint in this story is also the most human one: She is a woman, so how can she not understand another woman?
The mother-in-law who criticises her son’s wife was once a new bride herself, nervous in a strange house and eager to be accepted. The daughter-in-law who resents her husband’s mother will one day be somebody’s mother-in-law. And almost every woman in the middle of such a quarrel has a daughter or sister whom she would never want treated the way she treats another woman’s daughter.
Researchers who study Indian families say this pattern is not an accident of personality. A widely cited study of in-law relationships by Martin Rew, Geetanjali Gangoli and Aisha Gill argues that the cultural preference for sons gives mothers of sons a relatively elevated position in the family, and it encourages a close mother–son bond that causes tension between mothers- and daughters-in-law after the son marries. In that setting, a mother-in-law who has finally gained a position of power may have a stake in keeping control over her daughter-in-law.
Scholars call this a “patriarchal bargain,” a concept developed by the sociologist Deniz Kandiyoti. The authors explore it as a culturally specific arrangement between the mother-in-law and the extended household. Put simply, a woman who spent years at the bottom of the household ladder may, once she reaches the top, guard her place by controlling the new woman at the bottom.
An earlier study of domestic violence cases in Bombay made a similar point. It found that older women in Indian families are subject to the authority of men, while the supervision of younger daughters-in-law is delegated by men to older women. The same woman can therefore be both a person under control and a person who controls. She is pulled between loyalty to her gender and loyalty to her place in the family’s hierarchy.
It Is Not Simply “Women Are Each Other’s Enemies”
A fair account must add that this rivalry is not written into anyone’s nature. A study of low-income families in Chennai found that relations between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are shaped by shifting physical, social and economic dependencies rather than being culturally fixed. Where older women feared losing support, some mothers-in-law actually chose strategies of appeasement toward their daughters-in-law.
That finding is hopeful. It means the rivalry often grows from fear: fear of being sidelined, of losing a son, of being a stranger in a new house, of not having a say. Where fear fades and respect grows, the rivalry can fade too.
Where It Begins: Two Women, One Man, Two Kinds of Fear
Most of these conflicts start small, and both sides start with a real emotional need.
The mother has spent 25 or 30 years at the centre of her son’s life. When he marries, she can feel that centre shifting. She may fear being ignored in her own home, or doubt whether she will be cared for in old age.
The wife has left her own home, her habits and her people. She may feel she is being watched, judged and compared. She wants to be treated as family, not as a guest on trial.
Neither woman may say any of this aloud. Instead, the fear comes out sideways: a remark about cooking, a sigh about a visit, a message sent to a relative, a forgotten festival read as an insult. A sister-in-law, an aunt or a neighbour adds another opinion. Soon there are two camps, and the man belongs to both.
The Man in the Middle
For the son, husband or brother caught between them, the pressure is constant and mostly invisible.
- The son hears his mother’s hurt at night and his wife’s anger in the morning. Siding with one feels like betraying the other.
- The husband finds that a decision as simple as where to spend a holiday can set off a week of silence.
- The brother finds himself between sisters, aunts and in-laws, each with her own sense of what he owes her.
What makes this harder is silence. From childhood, many boys learn that being a man means holding things in. So these men carry messages, smooth things over, say “it’s nothing” and keep the peace at the cost of their own. They become referees in a match they never wanted to play.
The courts have noticed the strain. In September 2025, the Chhattisgarh High Court upheld a family court’s decision to dissolve a marriage in which, the husband said, his wife had pressured him repeatedly to leave his parents and had insulted him for listening to them. The bench held that repeated insults, coercion to abandon parents and prolonged separation amounted to mental cruelty and desertion. It also ordered the husband to pay ₹5 lakh as permanent alimony. The ruling is one case, decided on its own facts. But it shows that the tug-of-war can reach a point where a husband’s loyalty to both sides becomes a legal question.
What the Numbers Show
India’s official data cannot measure a family’s private tension. But it does show how heavily family stress weighs on people, especially men.
According to the National Crime Records Bureau’s Accidental Deaths and Suicides in India 2024, the country recorded 1,70,746 deaths by suicide, and “family problems” was the leading recorded cause, at 33.5% or 55,175 cases. Men accounted for 73.5% of victims. The year before, family problems accounted for 31.9% of 1,71,418 suicides. In 2023, the tables recorded 38,612 male and 16,031 female cases under family problems. One analysis found that working men aged 18 to 45 made up more than half of all suicide deaths.
These figures need careful reading. “Family problems” is a broad police category that the NCRB does not clearly define, and it covers money disputes, parental pressure, marital strain and more. It does not say who in the family was in conflict, so it cannot show that women’s quarrels drive men to despair. Police-based suicide data may also undercount cases because of stigma and family pressure. What the data does show is that family distress is the most common recorded trigger in a nation where men form nearly three-quarters of suicide victims.
The Other Side of the Story: Women Suffer First, and Most Visibly
An honest feature has to say this clearly: in a conflict-ridden home, the man is not the only one who suffers, and he is often not the first.
In 2023, India recorded 4,48,211 crimes against women, and cruelty by husband or relatives was the largest category, with 1,33,676 cases. NCRB data reported by one outlet also recorded about 6,100 women killed in 2023 for dowry. According to the National Family Health Survey-5, 29.3% of Indian women aged 18 to 49 had experienced some form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse in the family, with husbands as perpetrators in roughly 80% of such cases. Most never speak up: 77% of women who faced violence never sought help from anyone. And in 2024, 22,113 housewives died by suicide, nearly half of all female victims.
This is where the rivalry between women becomes most painful. Researchers Gangoli and Rew note that in India, cases of violence by mothers-in-law are often tried under domestic-violence laws, yet legal understandings frame such violence as a conflict between women or as dowry-related, rather than as gender-based violence. The same family can therefore produce a wounded daughter-in-law, a stressed mother-in-law and a silent husband all at once.
When the Fight Moves to Court
Sometimes private conflict spills into the legal system, and then everyone loses. Section 498A of the Indian Penal Code was meant to curb cruelty to a woman by her husband and his family and ensure swift state intervention. The offence is now covered by Section 85 of the Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita.
At the same time, the Supreme Court has repeatedly cautioned against stretching the law. In Dara Lakshmi Narayana v. State of Telangana, decided on 10 December 2024, the court quashed the case and addressed misuse of the provision in matrimonial disputes. The bench noted that there is often a tendency to implicate all members of the husband’s family when matrimonial discord arises, and courts must avoid harassing innocent relatives. In a later case, the court reiterated that sweeping allegations against extended family members, without specific acts of cruelty, cannot form the basis of criminal prosecution.
None of this weakens the law’s purpose. Genuine cruelty must still be punished, and the data shows how common it is. The point is that courts treat each case on its evidence, and that a family dispute turned into a criminal case rarely leaves anyone unhurt.
Breaking the Cycle: What Each Person Can Do
Family counsellors often return to a few practical habits. None is a magic fix, but each works because it is simple and human.
For mothers and mothers-in-law
- Ask yourself: how would I want my daughter to be treated in her husband’s home? Then offer that same treatment.
- Remember your own first year as a bride. What helped you? What hurt?
- Your son’s love for his wife does not take away from his love for you.
For wives and daughters-in-law
- Give yourself time. Trust in a new home takes years, not weeks.
- Raise concerns with the person concerned, not by pulling your husband into the middle.
- Respect your husband’s bond with his parents, just as you would want your own parents respected.
For sisters and other relatives
- Don’t carry tales. A comment repeated to the wrong person can start a month of conflict.
- Be a bridge, not a messenger.
For men
- Do not act as a go-between for messages. Ask each side to speak directly.
- Spend time with each person separately and listen without defending.
- Say something like: “I love you both, and I will not be asked to choose.” Silence isn’t peace, and it isn’t neutrality.
- If the stress is building, talk to a friend, a counsellor or a doctor. Asking for help is not weakness.
For the family as a whole
- Share decisions openly, from money to household duties.
- Give everyone some personal space and dignity.
- Bring in a trusted elder or counsellor early, before bitterness hardens.
If the Weight Feels Too Heavy
Carrying family stress alone can wear down anyone, whatever their gender. If you or someone you know is struggling, please talk to someone. The government’s tele-mental health service, Tele-MANAS, offers free, confidential support round the clock on 14416. India’s National Suicide Prevention Strategy aims for a 10% reduction in suicide mortality by 2030. That target will be met only if families learn to speak up before pain turns into crisis.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law clash so often in India?
Research points to a mix of factors: the elevated place of mothers of sons, fear of losing a son’s attention, the new wife’s insecurity in an unfamiliar home, and long-standing hierarchies in which older women supervise younger ones.
Does official data show that women’s conflicts cause men’s suicides?
No. NCRB data records “family problems” as the top cause of suicide, but the category is undefined and does not identify who was involved.
Are men the only ones who suffer in family conflict?
No. NCRB and NFHS-5 data show that women face high rates of cruelty and violence within marriage, and housewives made up nearly half of female suicide victims in 2024.
What can a husband do when caught between his mother and his wife?
Avoid carrying messages, listen to each side separately, state clearly that he won’t take sides in a quarrel, and seek counselling if the strain continues.
The Choice That Shapes Generations
A woman can build or break, as any person can. What decides which one she does is often not strength or position, but memory. A mother-in-law who remembers her first lonely year can become the welcome she once needed. A wife who remembers that she, too, will grow old can see her husband’s mother more kindly. A sister who remembers that she is a daughter can make the next woman’s path easier.
The strongest woman in a family is not the one who wins the argument or outlasts a rival. She is the one who remembers she is a woman herself, and uses that to protect, not to punish.
When she makes that choice, the man in the middle doesn’t have to choose between the people he loves. And her greatest legacy will not be a home she controlled, but a home where everyone could breathe.
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